I haven't looked in a newspaper in about ten years since I got the Internet. But I was just sitting here on Sunday morning thinking of that comic page I used to love to read. This is sort of how I remember they looked like. .
Mrs. Weirsdo checks out a hunting blind she found in her great big back yard. She was perturbed at first, but they told her it was just part of the Ersatz University Biology class Nature Observation so they could watch the animals without disturbing them.
Penny Wise was very upset and thinking of jumping off the bridge into the green slime of the sewer. She was in love with Arsewipe and crushed when she saw him going with Sean the gay vampire who only likes evil men. She was also despondent because she was the financial reporter for the Crappy Times and considered herself an expert in money matters because she could see the Bank of America from her back yard, but learned that they are failing and asking for a bail-out from the government. She was fired and replaced by Anna Banana. So being unemployed and losing her boyfriend, she felt the only thing to do was dive into the green slime and see if she could get super powers and become a Ninja Turtle.